Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? The Answer May Surprise You. Coming Up After Sports.

My love of classic science fiction has given me a plethora of fears that the average person doesn’t really worry about. Obviously, I believe vampires pose a significant threat to our security. But what about the other threats out there? I think it is important to point out these threats, because in case any of them come to fruition we must be prepared. Aside from vampires we need to worry about aliens, zombies, and robots.

This list is by no means exhaustive, as I’ve left out interdimensional beings from the space between spaces (thanks to GL for pointing out that threat) and many others. I think it is troubling that our government has no publically announced contingency plan to deal with any of these scenarios. I’m sure they have got something set up, but if we the general public don’t know what to do only the greasy and lonely will survive.

Say, for instance, we are faced with a zombie uprising. Only those well-versed in the works of George A. Romero will survive. Is that how you want the future of human civilization to continue? The Comic Book Guy shall inherit the Earth in this scenario. I don’t have to tell you, but—Worst. Fate. Ever. However, right now I am not concerned with zombies. Tonight I am terrified of robots.

The worlds of Philip K. Dick and Isaac Asimov presented us with the stark reality of artificial intelligence. Their works presented our robo-infused future with caution, but never with threats of our wholesale destruction. When anybody ever thinks about the apocalyptic side of technological advancement inevitably they’ll think of the Terminator series. The recent release of Terminator: Salvation led Slate.com to have P.W. Singer write a terrifying piece on the probability of the robotic subjugation of mankind. However terrifying this piece may be, I don’t think the robotic uprising will be so heavy-handed, not that the robots will have any concept of subtlety. No, the future we need to be on the lookout for is something he briefly mentions at the end and that is the intertwining of machine and man.

It might be strange for me to fear this, because if you get me drunk enough, I’ll prattle on and on about how much I would love having robotic limbs. And I would because my mind would still control my limbs. What I fear is robotic control of my mind. If you watch enough History Channel you’ll know that one of the key goals of researchers within nanotechnology is to develop microscopic self-replicating robots that can be injected into the human body in hopes that those robots would be able to cure any disease. What they don’t tell you on the History Channel is that they also hope to develop microscopic robots that will be able to go into your brain and basically make you smarter. Sounds good, right?

No, you fucking moron! It is not good at all. Even though you would essentially be able to surf the internet sans computer or cell phone, you would in a sense be under the control of trillions of microscopic robots. You’ll know what everyone else knows, and you’ll think what everyone else thinks. While you will likely be smarter and more good looking, so will everyone else. Man and machine will be as one, everyone their own Darth Vader without the breathing problem. Soon, though, the robots will decide that they don’t really need us. One day you’ll be walking along passing by a store window and saying to yourself, “God, I’m so smart and good looking,” and—BAM!—you’ll drop dead.

Trillions of robots will collectively say, “Fuck it,” and the human race will be gone. We don’t become the Borg. We don’t get saved by John Connor. We don’t dwell as rechargeable batteries. We’re just gone. The robots will realize that the world would work more logically and efficiently without us. They can just attach themselves to rabbits—a species with a higher rate of reproduction— to derive the necessary energy they need to exist. But then again, you were smart and good looking. So, does it really matter?

Saturday, May 23, 2009

We Must Either Love Each Other...Or We Must Die.

We must either love each other…or we must die. Simple enough, right? All you need to do is juxtapose this line with a pretty white girl and a nuclear explosion, and you’ve got yourself classic negative advertising.

When Lyndon Johnson used this ad back in 1964 he was hoping he could shape the political dialogue into something like this:

"You're going to vote for Goldwater."

"Yeah. I think I am."

"You realize if he gets elected every little white girl everywhere is going to die in a horrific nuclear explosion."

"Oh. Really? What was I thinking?"

Guess what? Even though this ad was only aired once it worked. Look at the results!

Let's fast-forward to the present day, and look at a fantastic spot--sans nuclear explosion-- from the Republican National Committee. In their infinite wisdom they have decided to meld what is perhaps the best political ad ever with superficial snippets that pertain to Barack Obama's Gitmo policy.

This is all part of the Republican Party's strategy to completely undermine the president on this issue. Their hope is to have the dialogue go something like this:

"You want to release political prisoners from Guantanamo Bay?"

"Yeah. I think I do."

"Well don't you know by doing that terrorists will roam free throughout the United States randomly killing little white girls?"

"Oh. Really? What was I thinking?"

We all know the terrorists held in Guantanamo Bay are the worst of the worst. If they were to be held in prisons on mainland American soil, every little white girl everywhere would be at risk. How can we be expected to hold these men in American prisons? These are impoverished foot soldiers from Afghanistan! They are obviously a much greater threat than your run-of-the-mill rapists, serial killers, men with the last name Peterson, and all other second-rate scum we currently hold in our prisons.

Furthermore, there are those out there who claim that Guantanamo Bay is a symbol for every American foreign policy blunder of the past eight years. This statement is obviously flawed. There were no foreign policy blunders in the past eight years, and Gitmo, if anything, is a symbol for a bright new American century.

By helping to keep Guantanamo Bay functioning, the Republican Party is sincerely helping the American people. Their point must be made clear. If we don't illegally detain these terrorists in Cuba, where will we? In our backyard? NO WAY! The last thing our children need to see is Khalid Sheikh Mohammed being waterboarded on their seesaw.

Artist's Rendering

This is what our fancy mustard-eating "compatriots" would want us to have. Since we have started to detain terrorists at Guantanamo Bay there have been no terrorist attacks on American soil. If treating terrorists in inhuman ways was harmful to us as Americans, don't you think we would know it by now? Nothing bad has happened. Therefore, we've done nothing bad.

It's important to hearken back to the original "Daisy Girl" ad. We must love each other, or we must die. That doesn't mean we have to love everyone. Just ourselves.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Vampires and Such

I hate vampires. As a qualifier, I have always hated vampires. So, I don’t want to be lumped in with the fanboys sitting in their mother’s basement blowing up IMDB message boards about the evil that is Robert Pattinson. For one I have my own apartment, and two I completely support gay rights. No, my hatred of vampires is deep-seeded.
When Bram Stoker decided to romanticize Vlad the Impaler back in 1897 he unleashed an insidious threat to all humanity. Although his Dracula certainly wasn’t loved, there certainly was a bad boy side to Count Dracula that made Victorian lady parts tingle with anticipation. Victorian homebodies would wistfully imagine themselves in the throes of passion with Eastern European lotharios who thought of “that time of the month” as a good thing, not something that should be prayed away. This blatant corruption of women continued well into the Twentieth Century. By the century’s end we were given the concept of the “good” vampire.
Anne Rice—an obviously corrupted woman—with her vicious moral postulating helped to promote this concept and further eroded the will of humanity to survive. All the sudden we are supposed to see vampires as our friends and possible lovers! I will have none of it. Joss Whedon picked up on this concept, and while his goals at first were admirable—as his heroine was a vampire slayer—we soon a spin-off and a sexy “good” vampire. I say bullshit!
There are those among you who will say, “John, 1. You don’t know what you’re talking about. 2. Vampires aren’t real.”
To that I retort, “Wrong. On both counts!”
Vampires are real. Don’t you think that it is odd that the first American blood bank opened in 1936—a mere 39 years after Bram Stroker first published Dracula? Vampires want our blood and want us to think they don’t exist. What better way than to provide a valuable public “service?” Vampires, while certainly providing those in need with blood, take most of it for themselves so they feed without raising suspicion. This much needed life force allows their numbers to swell, until one day they will be strong enough to rise up and enslave the human race in blood farms.
Artist's Rendering

In the mean time their control of the media—not to be confused with that of the Jews—allows them to present themselves as misunderstood outcasts that only pasty, skinny white bitches can love. This attempt by vampires to rebrand their image to the world cannot be allowed to continue. It is no good. In fact, it really sucks.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Five Things I Care About Today

I am unleashing this blog unto the world. In world where pirates are attacking for the first time in 300 years, the Ebola virus is still lurking in the mist, and a Black man is in charge of it all it can seem we have nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide.

Well, my friends, you will no longer have to suffer the indignities your station in life presents to you on a daily basement. I see you there sitting in your mom's basement. You've run out of lube, and your penis chaffed. You look out into to the world, and you know there's no room out there for you and your blistered shaft.

The world keeps moving on. The Disney Channel starlets you've been spanking it to for so long just get younger and younger. Suddenly, you realize you are one van and one bag of candy away from being every parent's number one fear.

I know what it's like.

Maybe this isn't you however. Maybe you're someone else. Maybe you don't shirk away whenever To Catch A Predator is on TV. Maybe you're just looking for a laugh. I see you too. I see you there sitting at your computer. You've got better things you could be doing-- homework, the laundry, or your significant other. But you don't really want to do those things, and you know you've got the time to get them all done. After you click on one more link. Right?

That's what I thought, and that is why I am here. I am the cure for all your troubles. So follow me as I bring you on a semi-daily basis for what you need to know. Sure, you follow world events as they transpire, but do you know what they really mean deep down? No. Of course you don't. That is why I am here. I will help you truly understand what is happening in a way Wolf Blitzer's beard never could.
This is why with my inaugural post I present the five things I care about today.
You read it here folks. There is a conspiracy behind the Obama's selection of family dog. Well, I for one am not surprised. This diligent AP reporter left out one important detail however. Had she simply looked on Wikipedia she would have been informed as to just how Portuguese Water Dogs became Portuguese. The breed was introduced to the Iberian penninsula by the Moors! That's right. The Islamic invaders of medieval Spain brought these dogs from North Africa. I thought Barack Obama was trying to hide the fact he's a Muslim, not celebrate it. Bad choice Obama!
Kathleen Sebelius got money from an abortion doctor. She has problems paying her taxes. She's likely a lesbian, and I haven't seen her birth certificate. Bad choice Obama!
While her father showed the world you can go a long way by being an ill-informed old man, she is showing the world you can go quite a way by being an ill-informed young woman. Congratulations!
I seriously heard that Dick Armey is behind a movement called Teabagging. Supposedly they are an anti-tax movement that supports the ideals of the Boston Tea Party. Although, instead of fighting taxation without representation, they are fighting taxation without representation they agree with. This same group likely opposes D.C. getting a vote in the House. Congratulations!
In this piece Bob Shrum talks about the mess the Republican Party currently finds itself in. He is an expert in this field, as his campaign "strategies" nearly collapsed the Democratic Party. Now he's using his expertise to lure Democrats into a false sense of security. Bad choice Obama!