Vampires and Such

I hate vampires. As a qualifier, I have always hated vampires. So, I don’t want to be lumped in with the fanboys sitting in their mother’s basement blowing up IMDB message boards about the evil that is Robert Pattinson. For one I have my own apartment, and two I completely support gay rights. No, my hatred of vampires is deep-seeded.

When Bram Stoker decided to romanticize Vlad the Impaler back in 1897 he unleashed an insidious threat to all humanity. Although his Dracula certainly wasn’t loved, there certainly was a bad boy side to Count Dracula that made Victorian lady parts tingle with anticipation. Victorian homebodies would wistfully imagine themselves in the throes of passion with Eastern European lotharios who thought of “that time of the month” as a good thing, not something that should be prayed away. This blatant corruption of women continued well into the Twentieth Century. By the century’s end we were given the concept of the “good” vampire.

Anne Rice—an obviously corrupted woman—with her vicious moral postulating helped to promote this concept and further eroded the will of humanity to survive. All the sudden we are supposed to see vampires as our friends and possible lovers! I will have none of it. Joss Whedon picked up on this concept, and while his goals at first were admirable—as his heroine was a vampire slayer—we soon a spin-off and a sexy “good” vampire. I say bullshit!

There are those among you who will say, “John, 1. You don’t know what you’re talking about. 2. Vampires aren’t real.”

To that I retort, “Wrong. On both counts!”

Vampires are real. Don’t you think that it is odd that the first American blood bank opened in 1936—a mere 39 years after Bram Stroker first published Dracula? Vampires want our blood and want us to think they don’t exist. What better way than to provide a valuable public “service?” Vampires, while certainly providing those in need with blood, take most of it for themselves so they feed without raising suspicion. This much needed life force allows their numbers to swell, until one day they will be strong enough to rise up and enslave the human race in blood farms.

Artist's Rendering

In the mean time their control of the media—not to be confused with that of the Jews—allows them to present themselves as misunderstood outcasts that only pasty, skinny white bitches can love. This attempt by vampires to rebrand their image to the world cannot be allowed to continue. It is no good. In fact, it really sucks.